worms

's funny how the worms move around in my mind. Seemingly dormant then the slightest thing wakes them up and sends me squirming, squealling across the room. Today it was gradual - irritation at people in the room being pedantic or jumping up to do things that would usually get done anyway - I could tell it was mostly me. I was nervous and stressed over the work I had to do preparing for my training. That makes me very sensitive to the slightest quirks of anyone around me. Then a number of emails I had to physically restrain myself from sparking off responses to without forethought. Leave it - I said. You've too much to do anyway. Think it over and send something reasoned and carefully crafted not to sound like the raving loony you are. But as the day wore on, and I panicked more and more about whether I'd get it all done, whether I'd forgotten anything, whether it would be any good. The worms began to churn and churn and bite down into that little part of the back of my neck that sends me whirling into paranoia, twitching, anxious.

I hate talking to people at work about it because they make you feel such a fool when you talk about anxiety / depression anything non physical. But how can I call it non physical when I sit here, taut as if my veins were replaced with wire, brain and pulse racing, short, sharp breaths. I won't sleep, I will be nauseous and snappy. Until tommorrow when panic will return and with it a rush of semi-mania to take me through the day. Coasting - surfing along it with a lipstick smile. Before I crash at the end of the day, try to drown myself in alcohol and debt, shake my head like a wet dog to get rid of the horrible crawling sensation these episode sends all over me. Let loose the worms' grip, and sink back into somnolence again.